Diary Entry – Trapped in a World That Doesn’t Understand Me

Every morning, Ugh.

I’m trapped. I wake up knowing I have to force myself through another day of school, another day of pretending, another day of feeling like I don’t belong. It’s not just the exhaustion—it’s the emptiness, the way my brain feels like it’s being scraped against concrete every time I sit in a classroom, listening to teachers who don’t care, trapped by people who don’t understand me.

I’ve been diagnosed

with bipolar disorder, but that doesn’t mean I’m “crazy.” It doesn’t mean I’m making things up or being “too much.” I feel everything so intensely it hurts, like my emotions are cranked up to an unbearable level. I can go from feeling on top of the world to feeling like I’m drowning in a matter of hours, and I have to deal with that every single day. But instead of understanding, all I ever hear is the same thing, over and over again: “You’re just being dramatic. You’re such a drama queen.”

I hate those words.

You know even the doctor questioned my parent that is their daughter a Drama Queen, but that was in 2019 understandable that people still not aware of mental illness. They dig into me like knives, reopening the same wound that’s been there since I was a little kid. I’ve been called a drama queen since grade one, like my emotions are just some performance, like my pain isn’t real. But it is real. And I can’t stand the way people dismiss it just because they don’t understand. I don’t choose to feel this way. I don’t want to be overwhelmed by my own mind. But no matter what I do, it never stops.

School only makes it worse.

The people, the noise, the expectations—none of it matters to me. I don’t want to sit through pointless lectures and force myself to socialize with people I can’t stand. I don’t care about any of it. What I do care about is the world I’ve built for myself online. The internet, my games, my art, my dreams—that’s where I feel alive. That’s where I want to be.

I keep thinking about homeschooling. Dropping out. Anything to escape.

Anything to stop feeling like my soul is being crushed under the weight of a life I never wanted. I want to be free to focus on what actually matters to me—to build my online persona, to create, to be someone. An internet idol, a name people remember, someone who actually matters. Not just another faceless student forced to sit in a classroom, fading into the background of a life that isn’t mine.

But I’m still trapped.

And every day, it gets harder to keep going. The emptiness keeps growing, the frustration keeps building, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I just want to get out before there’s nothing left of me to save.

-Vallenina